foreveralone.
I've forgotten that laughing with a friend can make you feel less alone in this vast world, and that trite poems can renew you in a vulnerable moment.
Thursday, March 06, 2008!
Kum rant on; 12:24 AM
i rmb it clearly that it was durin sec one,
when i told Mr Teo that i wan to withdrew from zonal
my first tasting of what is it like...
to have no confidence for my passion.
you can say im a loser.
but im not afraid of losin
i just dun wan to drag e whole team down
becoz of my incompetence.
it was an heartbreaking decision for me,
but it was the best way for the team to win.
and it proved to be so.
Then, year three came.
i've spent two yrs of efforts before i got selected again.
Mr Teo wrote me a note:
Go for the percieved impossible.
it was heart wretching.
my coach actually understood me
when i dun even understand myself.
how can smone see my heart so clearly?
i must admit i was amazed.
and it was like a wake up session for me.
that's when i found out that i may not have e talent
but i'll work hard for my passion.
however, my confidence will pull down everything.
the final yr of zonal said it all.
i'd never muster the courage, or
i'd never got the chance to the tell mr teo...
that im really sorry that for all the efforts you've put in me,
im still a disappointing piece of shit.
i may excel in doin miscellaneous stuff like taking attendance or noticeboard.
but i'll never shine on the court.
that's when i decide not to join netball anymore.
let the experience of being a esss netballer remain as a wonderful memory.
coz im not a competition material.
i've not touched much netball since then.
i miss playin it.
Then, i joined a competition sports again.
and is it God's plan for me to go through this once more,
to remind me of my weakness.
or are you telling me smthg?
to stop? to getaway?
if yes, pls Lord, stop it now.
it concerns human life down here.
and there's no reserve or substitiues.
i cause Mich to be hospitalised ydae.
and chengyee is now sick.
becoz i've injured her and cause her to stress out.
will my next victim be felicia or lynna?
if i can choose, let it be me.
let it be me, Lord.
i thought i've got rid of my this terrible problem.
i feel the confidence just the week before.
i thought the team was progressing well.
we may not have the best stunts
but we are the neatest
then my world came shattering down
i still can rmb mich's face in pain so clearly.
it's so dramatic,
like the kdrama My Girl
can i
pretend it is not spicy although it is spicy
pretend it is not painful when is painful
i tink i am now
if any Blazerians happens to read this post,
i just want to let you know my confused thoughts and feelings now
im sorrie that i let you see a emotional side of me.
but we are a TEAM
we shld be open with one another.
i dun hav e courage to say all these infront of u guys.
im sorrie that if i shouted at you guys during trainin today,
for those who are helping me.
coz im just frustrated with myself.
im sorrie that im being so useless.
Cheryl should hav been the flyer instead.
but i guess now it has come to a point of no return.
But i dun wan to give up so easily.
i cant stomach it.
but will my stubborness bring more harm to e team?
i wan to do well for e stunts.
but it seems like the more i do, the more skills i lose.
so ... can i ...
treat it as a challenge that God has presented to me?
to overcome my fear.
im thankful for my team mates cy, fel, mich n lynna
coz im always encouraged by them
to perform better
to become a better flyer myself
but today
i found out that i still dun trust myself
or shld i say, dun trust myself anymore.
so can you guys contiune to push me
so i'll not look back at the past.
and remind me that it's only one week left.
i can bear with everything.
it must be hard on you! im sorrie.
but pls help me.