foreveralone.
I've forgotten that laughing with a friend can make you feel less alone in this vast world, and that trite poems can renew you in a vulnerable moment.
Thursday, August 27, 2009!
Kum rant on; 9:36 PM
Today i finally fulfilled my promise to Mag to go around JBP with her:)
it was a day well spent! And I thank God for it!
The irony is that I thank God for my present job which gives me financial security and fixed working days & hours so that I can plan my activites after work.
But there's this part of my body that makes me misses JBP so much and wants to go back to work! The birds, the nature working environment, the ppl - esp. my eye candies and sisters!
Walking through the SEA aviary, going for the Ostrich & WFA talk, looking at the guys doing up the flamingo lake, my sadness just built up.
I suddenly detest my current lifestyle. What am I doing in the Family Registry handling divorce matters whereby no one day has passed with me feeling happy working there? I pity the lawyers and at the same time am touched by their gentleness in handling clients who are really in need of this divorce. I am also irritated upon seeing old married couples breaking up, the husband wanting a younger chi wife n wife fighting over his CPF. Or ignorant fools wanting to get things done fast without understanding the need to go through standard rules & procedures. There are many other situations that made me very pissed off.
And though I’ve only worked there for four mths, my character has begin to deteriorate. For instance, I realised that today I’ve cut off Mag a few times while she’s conversing with me, because of the bad phone etiquette I’ve picked up. The friends I mixed around with now, I feel that they are so superficial or shallow with life matters. I tried hard to blend with them, often finding myself complying them with a false front.
There are many time that I've wanted to quit Muay Thai too, but the prospect of getting a fit body and being able to release my stress of work keeps me going. However, as i looked in the mirror today, I am disgusted with how my body turns out. But I do not want to stop, for fear of getting fat.
At this moment, I am finding comfort in listening to Christian songs.
If i could turn back time, I would have take vet science in poly, hopefully will be working in the hospital with Mag now, enjoying working with God's creation - the nature & the birds.
Didn't take much pictures because of the rain today, didnt managed to upload the photos because of facebk technical errors. didnt managed to shake off my feeling of being homesicked for JBP.
I used to blame my mom of depriving me the chance of going Overseas SIP because of some miscommunication. Well, it turned out to be a beautiful chapter in my life, being able to work in JBP, and I thank God & my mom for it!
But what am i to do now? My inital idea of pursuing law as my degree is diminishing. But without an idea of what to study, i feel so lost! Studies may be the only thing now which can gives me a more purposeful life, besides God. Am i too live my life like this, feeling emotionally, mentally and physically drained each day till i find my direction? :(
My only aim for tomorrow is to complete a 10km run around my gym,
coz i really like running.
I am panting, i am sweating, my heart is beating.
Sometimes I am amazed at the distance I can go.
It makes me feel that I am alive!
I am really alive!